It’s a haunting past. One which I didn’t have the willpower to leave behind until I started my healing journey, by the mercy and will of Allah.

I’m Anonymous D.

Before working with Salina I had just left my narcissistic ex whom I was engaged to and in a deep trauma bond with. In the beginning everything seemed great. Both of our families were in agreement of this union. He was great. At face value. Of course later, the masks would come of to the point where his own mother told me not to marry him. His own mother.

I was pregnant. I was vulnerable. And my narcissist (now ex) continued to prey on me. It worked, and like I said, at face value, everything seemed great. But soon his toxicity and lack of empathy and demons started to show. And, sadly, not caring about the stress he put me through, nor the tears I’d beg him with, I lost my baby to a miscarriage.

The rest is history.

One that somehow, I am managing to overcome.

Throughout this relationship, I had deep people pleasing tendencies and was in need for validation. Perhaps, I just wanted to feel taken care of, and perhaps I just wanted to feel loved. In this vulnerable place, I found myself always putting myself down for my mistakes and making excuses for some of the abuse by my abuser. A perfect recipe to be manipulated.

In detail, my daily life would consist of absolutely no eating, feeling severely depressed, crying nonstop, everyday, due to the trauma of grieving the loss of my child, abuse by my ex partner, childhood trauma and also from secondary emotions of feeling emotionally unstable in the first place.

This would happen until I would faint from anxiety and emotional distress.

I manifested the mental pain in my body and had severe physical symptoms of anxiety such as black outs, teeth clattering, shivering nonstop and vomiting. It was my personal hell.

I was introduced to PF through a family member. It was truly a blessing. I had reached out to Salina for access to her zoom talk during Ramadan. It helped me gather my thoughts and feelings. Something just clicked.

Between understanding myself, forgiving myself, gaining support and preparing for umrah, I began to take responsibility for my self growth, self care and self accountability in a loving manner. I learned to talk to myself how I would talk to someone I love. I was building the strength to leave everything behind in umrah. And when umrah came, I did just that.

I have learned that things will change. They do change.

I have learned many gems from Salina and one of my takeaways has been to make du’a (prayer) to make the fire cool for us, as Allah did for Ibrahim (AS). Also, I have learned to internalise the idea of truly surrendering to Allah.

Whilst working with Salina I have regained and strengthened my self trust.

Salina’s teachings have helped me navigate through the motions of life. From the moment I had my first interaction till today. My biggest achievement has been to eat and sleep as normal. As that is the foundation to feeling better.

Thank you so much Salina. I truly appreciate you and wish you all the best and all the success in sha Allah. May Allah preserve you and keep you steadfast, barakAllahu feekum, Ameen. ❤️

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Proof read and edited by Salina

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I miscarried in my narcissistic relationship

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By Farzana X (guest writer)

Assalamu alaikum,

I am Farzana, a 35 year old mother of four. I remember attending a Yasmin Mogahed seminar few years ago, and she had mentioned how we must prepare for the tests in our life. She also mentioned to pray daily to build that mental fortitude for if we want Allah to remember us in our bad times, we must remember Allah in our good times. I remember thinking to myself that I am sure I would cope with anything, so I didn’t really put what I learned into action.

A year later I lost my dad suddenly and this impacted me massively, the aftermath of sorting inheritance out while family not wanting to give grace had a huge impact on me mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I approached sister Salina because I knew I needed to take action into getting out of the mind fog, self doubt, questioning my strength as a woman, questioning the role of women in Islam and doubting my own thoughts. I was even scared of sister Salina because I was that emotionally weak.

My husband was against it as he thought it was all a waste of money, but I would tell him I was prepared to give up eating out, going on holiday, anything, just to pay for the mentoring sessions, so he understood my dedication to wanting to grow, learn and change.

Farzana

All this was impacting the way I mothered my children, the house, the relationship with my husband, it was a really difficult time for me. Sister Salina’s programme was the spark I needed to make the changes. I remember at the time of doing her sessions, the work Salina did made such an impact on me that I truly felt khushu (mindful concentration) and presence in my prayers. It felt like I had managed to silence my mind to connect to my heart. Even if that was just one prayer, it gave me hope that healing was possible!

Initially, when I saw Salina’s page was shared, I started following the page and listened to the clips and found it beneficial. I then approached Salina for mentoring, but found as a stay at home mum, I couldn’t afford the sessions. Gutted, I still kept following her and learning from her posts and videos. She then introduced a sale offer, which is when I made the plunge and managed to sign up for her mentoring programme.

My biggest lesson was that my voice is to be treasured, that speaking up for causes is so vital, but speaking in a way that others are willing to listen is even more important.

I learned how to be more confident, to take my time when it comes to finding who I am.

Farzana

Alhamdulillah, everything you read happened with the will and mercy of Allah, and I am in a much better head space and frame of mind. I am learning to connect to Allah more and more, and even though sometimes I get frustrated at how long it takes, I come back to realise that Alhamdulillah there has been so much progress made. I have learned that life is full of ups and downs and learning to accept the ups and downs is a blessing in and of itself . The healthier habits I have now is looking at my thoughts and not believing all of them and knowing as a woman, I am a strong confident servant of Allah.

Sometimes when doing the mentoring we don’t see the benefit of what it is that we are doing in the sessions, but once you follow through and keep on learning, you may find, years later, that the knowledge you collected in those sessions clicks and surfaces so many years later. I know this because it happens to me so often.

When it comes to change, so many of us have been told we need someone or something to come save us , but truthfully, you only need Allah and you need to give yourself permission to want the change (through the means He has given on earth).

Taking the journey to healing in your own hands is one of the biggest gifts you can give yourself, your spouse, children, siblings, family neighbourhood, community and ummah at large.

Farzana

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The above has been written by a client who worked with Salina. She explains what that was like and shares her account on the hardships she encountered and overcame through their journey together.

Edtied by Salina

How I became a competent mother of 4

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Nafs (struck by worries): I really don’t want to sleep.

Me (Consciousness): then don’t sleep.

Nafs: I really don’t want to work.

Me: then don’t work.

Nafs: I really don’t want to think.

Me: then don’t think.

Nafs: I just want to become.

Me: Then become.

Nafs: become?

Me: yes. Become.

Nafs: but how? If I do not wish to do anything?

Me: Patiently. Lovingly.

Nafs: why must I be patient and loving. Why can I not become fast.

Me: undoing everything you are not, and unhinging from everything you are entangled with, requires you to unfold parts of you that have not been used in a while. Or, perhaps ever.

Me: You say you don’t want to sleep. What you mean is you want to stay alert for any perceived danger.

It will feel sore in the beginning to stop using the muscles that expects impending doom. Your brain will want to think the worst. Your eyes will want to stay awake. Your heart will want to panic.

It will take love and patience to learn how to rest.

Me: You say you do not want to work, when really meaningful work feels purposeful and fruitful to you. What you mean is, you (the body’s nervous system) would rather mimic death, like a deer in the forest, hoping that the lion (the subconscious threat) will just go away. When really, you should feel safe where you are.

It will take love and patience to learn how to feel safe with yourself and others. Ya nafsi. It will take love and patience to become the lion too. It will take love and patience to notice that you belong.

Me: you say you don’t want to think. But your thoughts are not your enemy. Let them be.

It will take love and patience to learn how to befriend them. To let their intensities no longer intimidate you. And when you soften to them, they will soften to you.

Me: This is how you become. So become.

Nafs: how do I make this simple?

Me: Deliberate love and patience. Patience. Patience. You are your child to raise now and a child does not grow in a month, nor becomes wise in a year, nor carries strength in two. When you put yourself to sleep and you teach yourself to work and you demonstrate how to lead, remember that a child needs an abundance of love. Patient love. An abundance of loving patience. Beautiful patience.

Nafs: “Fasabrun jameel” (فَصَبْرٌ جَمِيل).

Me: “Fasabrun jameel” (فَصَبْرٌ جَمِيل). 

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• In this piece, nafs refers to the ego (survival) aspect which is produced by people’s subconscious defences and protective systems against perceived threats.

• Consciousness here refers to the observer self, which is separate from the thoughts and feelings the ego uses as tools to manifest its protective parts, usually in the form of worries, anger, resentment, and other thoughts and feelings of similar frequencies. Consciousness is the ‘awareness’ part of us, the aspect which is able to observe the mind that thinks and the body that feels. Scientists to this day debate where this aspect of us could be, however, I believe it has its own wisdom and have thought others how to access it.

• Antagonists love to oppose others

• Antagonists seek out conflict for control and dominance

• Antagonists are likely to feel resistance to change

Have you ever had a meeting or a conversation with someone and left feeling overwhelmed, defeated and dominated? Perhaps you encountered an antagonist.

Antagonism is defined by behaviours of contending and opposing others. One who harbours this persona may believe their opinions and views to be superior and sadly, may even seek out opportunities to convey this due to enjoyment of control, competition and conflict. An antagonist’s unwillingness to compromise and ruthless self interest can be defining traits. This particular persona may enjoy attention, even if it is negative, and does not particularly care about being liked. Unfortunately, their objective understanding of communication and connection is compromised due to hindrances in early behavioural developments – usually trauma related.

You can see that this is almost the complete opposite to the people pleaser persona whereby hyper awareness towards how one is being perceived and anxiety about their likability factor are common streams of instruvie thought. This persona on the other hand feels traumatised by conflict and may sacrifice their needs (or even their own selves) to meet the demands of others.

Both of these extremes do not foster the space for meaningful relationships nor progression of one’s authentic self.

Both of these extremes are usually rooted in childhood traumas and insecurities.

The middle path would look like someone who invites challenges and conflict where it would benefit the couple/team and someone who holds space for other people’s opinions, equally valuing them as they would their own, to have truthful conversations, reach actual conflict resolutions or reach a healthy compromise.

Whilst both extremes do not foster the space for honesty, one who follows the middle path does, because their self esteem allows them to feel safe with sharing because they feel safe with others — even if others oppose their views or hold them accountable for mistakes. On the other hand, the people pleaser will see others as a threat to their safety and comfort and the antagonist will see others as resources or opportunities for more attention; sometimes even at others’ expense.

Research illustrates that people with antagonistic tendencies do not necessarily care to be liked, as mentioned above. Interestingly, this is also a trait of someone with high self esteem and also someone with high humility.

Somebody with high self esteem will not shy away from sharing their opinions even if they are controversial or unpopular because they have the self confidence to be able to regulate the emotions that come with hate or insults and so in that context, won’t care about another’s opinion so much. Somebody with humility may also exhibit this trait because sincerity demands that you do not share your opinions or work for self interest purposes, such as to attain attention or validation. And so in this context, especially when coupled with a spiritual lens, one may discount another’s opinion – particularly praises.

On the other hand, an antagonistic persona will not care for others’ opinions outside of acceptable or reasonable contexts. Individuals who harbour this persona are unreasonably difficult and moreover, usually insulting and rude, leading to unstable relationships and an accumulation of conflict. Whilst a self confident person and a humble person may discount opinions within reason, they will still be able to maintain care towards others’ feelings, approach relationships with sensitivity and would not feel excited by hate nor deem it as appropriate attention.

Unfortunately, the antagonist would and I think it is extremely important to be able to have this conversation in order to discern between these different characters. It can be confusing to understand who is safe to be around versus who isn’t.

We have all been there. Someone appears to be a certain way, humble and perhaps even holy. They may say all the right things to convey the appearance of humility and trustworthiness, but soon the mask falls off and a defeating arrogance and continual disappointment presents itself. You may make a thousand excuses in hopes that the person who you deemed fair and just in the beginning to reappear again. Unfortunately they most likely won’t, because it was not real.

For prevention reasons, a big sign to look out for is that their words do not come across genuine. It may seem like over the top humility or over the top confidence, sometimes, even over the top compliments/unnecessary flattery. This, accompanied by the extreme need to oppose, need for control and ruthless self interest are some of the key signs to look out for before investing yourself in a relationship or partnership which many have found themselves regretting and even recovering from.

An antagonist’s streams of thought usually lean towards, “I don’t want to change, I don’t need to change”, and to illustrate a subtler example for covert antagonism, “I am embarrassed by my behaviour but…” followed by repeated justifications, reasons and excuses, which actually, do not always make sense and are rather exhausting…but the passion, creative aggression and dominance may make it seem convincing. It isn’t hard to be captivated by an antagonist.

Research has shown that antagonistic personas do not care to change because of reinforcements of attention (even if negative) act as a supply for them. It is no doubt in my opinion that these traits are trauma responses that require sensitivity and appropriate professional attention. I believe such personas need and subconsciously thirst for deeper connections but are extremely protected by their egoic persona which acts as a defence mechanism. Compassion is definitely an ingredient that can break down these protective walls, however, in a manner which does not discount your needs and feelings.

Like narcissism, you get a spectrum with antagonistic people, and depending on how extreme these traits are, a person may be able to change promisingly the more they realise that connections and relationships can be safe and that over-protection is no longer necessary. One’s need for control and domanince may decrease the more one comes out of survival and learns how to become inter-dependent. They may even be able to develop empathy. However, because this is a serious long term self help journey and results are not always guaranteed because intention cannot be measured, nobody should have to feel responsible over another adult’s traumas in a relationship. If you do, you will often find your feelings and needs being sacfiriced until this becomes a habit which only exacerbates the antagonist’s oppressive traits.

***If you have been in the receiving end of such a persona and need help with recovery then feel free to reach out here for a 1:1 session. You can also contact samaritans.org for free support or your GP for longer term closer attention.

Self sabotage – let’s talk about it.

I promise that you’ve probably not heard it like this before and I would love to help you make sense of it.

If you were neglected as a child, you most likely neglect yourself in adulthood. 💔

You most likely learned that to be safe from abandonment and rejection and to be accepted and loved, you must be useful. This is why you people please, overwork, overgive – creating trauma bonds and codependent relationships with people or things.

Neglect could also involve neglect of emotional needs, not just physical, and when you voiced these needs then perhaps you were shamed or criticised for it. So I’m really sorry you had to go through that.

The downside to this is that because your body has been conditioned to feel safety in seeking survival outside of yourself, it no longer feels safe when you give to yourself. This is why there is lack of interest and motivation in self care.

(NOTE: Whilst I am dominantly speaking about the more obvious category of people who self sabotage there is another group. The key word is self care. If your trauma response to neglect was not to chase after people but rather it was to avoid everyone, then you may do things seemingly for yourself which can be misunderstood as self care. Your self sabotage may be more covert. This can look like, for example, diving into your career to make a name for yourself however, on the flip side, you may lose perspective of everyone and eveything else. And so the motivation is not self care or self respect. It is (subconscious) survival. You may not relate to those who outwardly forget themselves and self sacrifice for everyone else’s needs over their own as a trauma response to childhood neglect. You’ll relate to those who laser focus in their own needs and lose perspective of other things like their health or others around them. In this article I am focusing mainly on the former category).

So it is time to question from what position you GIVE and BOND.

It is time to look inward and feel TRULY safe in yourself as opposed to chasing survival externally.

Start by learning to meet and prioritise your own needs. Learn to LOVE taking care of yourself. It should feel like a loving touch.

Trust me, it’s a biological need and your inner child will thank you as it is waiting for you to step up and parent yourself. All this time, the traumatised child in you has been in charge, but imagine the traumatised 3 or 4 year old stuck inside of your body memory has been trying to hold the torch for you all these years without adult supervision. How many times do you think s/he has burned herself?

Here is my advice:

Start from scratch and be okay with the process. You are RE-LEARNING. You are RE-PARENTING to meet ALL of the parts of you that were neglected. You are touching yourself lovingly where you should have been touched, to feel loved, to feel safe, to feel like you belong here. What you are doing is offering yourself the presence you needed to ensure no stagnancy was created in your development.

You are restarting. A re-birth. How exciting. Is it not?

So to start from scratch I recommend that you start with the basics: eat healthy and on time, sleep on time, pray on time, bathe often (this is very important because it cleanses your energetic circumference around you), make your bed, clean your space, do your laundry, etc. The mundane that are actually essential to your survival.

Second tip? Do all of these tasks intentionally and with a loving parental presence. Your body needs this connection.

Last: Be okay with the off-days and be willing to re-start this journey as often as you need to. In the beginning, your body may try to hinder you with demotivational feelings and thoughts because this is where it is conditioned to and this is where it feels safe. Be gentle. Do not fight your body. It is only trying to protect you. Simply say thank you body, rest if you need to and then offer the loving parental figure when you are ready again. I personally like to re-state my intention with a shower because this is very cleansing to lingering unhealthy energies.

Develop these healthy habits from a position of self care and not survival. The intention you operate from is important for your healing because the intention is what is creating the specific environment for your body and cells to respond to.

In order to change the environment and addiction to self sabotage, the intention must change from survival to self care. Specifically, a continual interest in self care. Do you mind if I repeat that? … A continual INTEREST in self care. If you are feeling motivated then add this as point 4: be conscious about where you place your interest. In your downfall or your elevation? In your self sabotage or your self care? Whenever you are changing intentions remember to be gentle.

There is a whole lot more to add and I havent even scratched the surface, but this is a start that you’ll see tremendous benefits to and will need to master first. I promise that healing is possible. With a bit of good intention and a bit of loving touch.

With love,

S

❤🙏