Self sabotage – let’s talk about it.
I promise that you’ve probably not heard it like this before and I would love to help you make sense of it.
If you were neglected as a child, you most likely neglect yourself in adulthood. 💔
You most likely learned that to be safe from abandonment and rejection and to be accepted and loved, you must be useful. This is why you people please, overwork, overgive – creating trauma bonds and codependent relationships with people or things.
Neglect could also involve neglect of emotional needs, not just physical, and when you voiced these needs then perhaps you were shamed or criticised for it. So I’m really sorry you had to go through that.
The downside to this is that because your body has been conditioned to feel safety in seeking survival outside of yourself, it no longer feels safe when you give to yourself. This is why there is lack of interest and motivation in self care.
(NOTE: Whilst I am dominantly speaking about the more obvious category of people who self sabotage there is another group. The key word is self care. If your trauma response to neglect was not to chase after people but rather it was to avoid everyone, then you may do things seemingly for yourself which can be misunderstood as self care. Your self sabotage may be more covert. This can look like, for example, diving into your career to make a name for yourself however, on the flip side, you may lose perspective of everyone and eveything else. And so the motivation is not self care or self respect. It is (subconscious) survival. You may not relate to those who outwardly forget themselves and self sacrifice for everyone else’s needs over their own as a trauma response to childhood neglect. You’ll relate to those who laser focus in their own needs and lose perspective of other things like their health or others around them. In this article I am focusing mainly on the former category).
So it is time to question from what position you GIVE and BOND.
It is time to look inward and feel TRULY safe in yourself as opposed to chasing survival externally.
Start by learning to meet and prioritise your own needs. Learn to LOVE taking care of yourself. It should feel like a loving touch.
Trust me, it’s a biological need and your inner child will thank you as it is waiting for you to step up and parent yourself. All this time, the traumatised child in you has been in charge, but imagine the traumatised 3 or 4 year old stuck inside of your body memory has been trying to hold the torch for you all these years without adult supervision. How many times do you think s/he has burned herself?
Here is my advice:
Start from scratch and be okay with the process. You are RE-LEARNING. You are RE-PARENTING to meet ALL of the parts of you that were neglected. You are touching yourself lovingly where you should have been touched, to feel loved, to feel safe, to feel like you belong here. What you are doing is offering yourself the presence you needed to ensure no stagnancy was created in your development.
You are restarting. A re-birth. How exciting. Is it not?
So to start from scratch I recommend that you start with the basics: eat healthy and on time, sleep on time, pray on time, bathe often (this is very important because it cleanses your energetic circumference around you), make your bed, clean your space, do your laundry, etc. The mundane that are actually essential to your survival.
Second tip? Do all of these tasks intentionally and with a loving parental presence. Your body needs this connection.
Last: Be okay with the off-days and be willing to re-start this journey as often as you need to. In the beginning, your body may try to hinder you with demotivational feelings and thoughts because this is where it is conditioned to and this is where it feels safe. Be gentle. Do not fight your body. It is only trying to protect you. Simply say thank you body, rest if you need to and then offer the loving parental figure when you are ready again. I personally like to re-state my intention with a shower because this is very cleansing to lingering unhealthy energies.
Develop these healthy habits from a position of self care and not survival. The intention you operate from is important for your healing because the intention is what is creating the specific environment for your body and cells to respond to.
In order to change the environment and addiction to self sabotage, the intention must change from survival to self care. Specifically, a continual interest in self care. Do you mind if I repeat that? … A continual INTEREST in self care. If you are feeling motivated then add this as point 4: be conscious about where you place your interest. In your downfall or your elevation? In your self sabotage or your self care? Whenever you are changing intentions remember to be gentle.
There is a whole lot more to add and I havent even scratched the surface, but this is a start that you’ll see tremendous benefits to and will need to master first. I promise that healing is possible. With a bit of good intention and a bit of loving touch.
With love,
S
❤🙏
Professional Female 