Growth is the inevitable.
It’s one of those things that happens against your will and power. Whether you consciously grow or not, you will still experience growth. Because experiences stretch your perspectives and capacity to contain emotions of higher intensities: “good” and “bad”. Also, your brain is constantly growing and changing.
When you no longer want to play with dolls anymore, your brain is maturing, it wants to engage in more complex experiences to feel in alignment and to foster the space for continual growth. Believe it or not, this never stops.
Your brain gets more serious as we age and seeks more solemn goals, more meaningful goals, because our heart-which has more neural pathways than the brain (and therefore its own intelligence) also ages and matures. But it has always sought meaningful connection and safe, healthy attachments. So it will continue to do so and as you age and mature, you may find yourself seeking these more.
You are always going to grow and outgrow. And conscious development paves the pathways into the right direction, as you blossom in all these different chapters of your life. Conscious growth also accelerates your development, amplifying your character and mind.
Healing is a different type of growth. Healing connects us more to our hearts and our inner world: our subconscious and our cell memory. It allows us to hand over the torch from the unhealed inner child within us, to the adult in us, helping us to feel safe as we “do life” as a grown person. Healing is to help us find the safety and security we did not achieve as a child so that we can re-develop and see the world as it is ought to be seen, becoming more meaningful, sincere and emotionally mature individuals. This happens as we stop operating from our insecurities and limiting beliefs which we accumulate and employ due to our traumas. When we dismantle these, we operate from our adult self and let our inner child rest.
Consequently, we feel more safe and secure and become more whole beings. More complete. In essence, we feel at home in ourselves and at peace with ourselves, and that is the goal.
This means that when somebody gives you a constructive criticism, you do not take offence. Or when an opportunity arises, you don’t freeze when you should chase it. Or when somebody crosses your boundary, you do not hesitate to confront that. Or, when somebody tries to love you, you don’t push them away. Or, when somebody is crying before you, you can empathise sincerely. Or, when somebody says you’ve hurt them, you can say sorry without feeling defensive or the need to justify it. In all scenarios above you are either required to sincerely give or sincerely receive. This however does not feel safe for you due to traumatic experiences changing how the brain and body responds. Without healing you will be unable to deal with these situations the right way. You may resort to rage, dismissiveness and self destruction, or other hurtful behaviours. Yes, without healing, your growth and self improvement work is incomplete and dare I say, almost irrelevant.
In Islam, we say our religion is characterised by modesty: hayah. This trait is supposed to be at the heart of every Muslim, as it is one of the virtue(s) that enhances character and we know from another authentic narration that the prophet s.a.w was sent to perfect good character. In Arabic, when you break this word (hayah) down further, it breaks down into multiple meanings, including shame. So for example, when you wrong someone and feel nothing or you are too proud (insecure) to apologise, this compromises your hayah. We are not here to be oppressive or prone to hurting people. On the contrary, we are here to enjoin the good and forbid the evil: including the pain and disconnection we bring to others and ourselves. We must care about how we make others (the people we harbour responsibility towards) feel, and we must care about doing the right thing, and having the correct character to be able to deliver the right mannerisms. Sincerely. Needless to say, this is part of our religion. It is not just a moral obligation when incorrect mannerisms whether intentional or not, whether subconscious or not, can generate psychological or emotional damage in others.
Healing enhances the quality of your life and your relationships. More importantly, it improves your relationship with yourself and God. Because of our traumas though, you may find it difficult to sincerely give or sincerely receive, because it forces us to open our hearts which we have kept closed with defence mechanisms as attempts to stay safe. But this is just the child self convincing you that you aren’t safe as your body is stuck somewhere in the traumatic past.
Healing offers the space to compassionately “grow up” and re-parent yourself. Without disrespecting our own parents, they tried their best within the parameters of their own trauma, but the parental job is not complete. We must take over.
You are always going to grow and outgrow regardless. Whatever path you choose, remember to honour all your versions. Stay accountable, and now that you know better, do better.
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Professional Female 