For anyone who has been coached by me would know that I always, ALWAYS talk about the concept of victim mentality. I tell my clients, there is a space you may and should foster to validate your experiences, but if we live in the past, we only see the past. So there’s a limit, which explains why “talking about it” doesn’t always help if you’ve done it already. If we dont actively become conscious about what we think about, which majority of us dont, then 90% of our thoughts are the same thoughts as yesterday. If this is the case, then we haven’t changed our narrative, because 90% of our thoughts are still wired in the past. If 90% of our thoughts are still wired in the past, we can almost predict our future (will repeat itself). Because we are still submitting to the mental and emotional processes of the past and therefore subconsciously experiencing the past AND therefore making the same decisions which will repeat it. Of course we don’t always know this because our thoughts are predominantly subconscious. We are on autopilot.
At some point though, we have to make the decision to become conscious human beings with control in terms of what we think about and a strong commitment to move forward, and look forward. When we think about good, the chemical reaction is a good feeling. When we think about the bad, the chemical reaction is a bad feeling. If you have been thinking negatively for so long, then it’ll take a level of commitment and discipline to stay perpetually in the field of positive thoughts with the intention to move forward. But it’ll be worth it. Becuse you can either move forward with pain and suffering, or you can either move forward with gratitude and hope. Of course, I always choose and teach gratitude and hope. Because, haven’t we suffered enough? The notion that healing must hurt is just a notion. It’s just an idea because it once meant sense since nobody could think of alternative ways to heal, and so it became a model of reality for most parts of the world. But you can choose to abide by ideas that don’t have to hurt so much. Unless of course, you’re addicted to the pain you feel your body craves and so you relentlessly choose to stay sad. Sound familiar?
I am strongly against the idea of staying sad. Because staying sad means the neurons in your brain wire that way and become rooted that way. The sadder you are, the deeper the roots. We have been conditoned by society with the idea that the emotions we experience from unfortunate events are far more intense than the emotions we experience from fortunate events. Therefore, because we have experienced our unfortunate events as emotionally intensive, whether that’s being in the receiving end of depression, shock, hyper anxiety, paranoia and so on – it is the intensity of the emotion which make it easier for the wirings in your brain to be rooted in sadness. The intensity of the emotion determines how well a memory is rooted.
So what if we started to experience and magnify positive emotions surfaced from positive events. Don't you think the same results will apply?
Consequently, your body becomes conditioned and addicted to this sadness, and then you become sad by default. You may even experience a heavy dose of emptiness in wonderful gatherings or parties where there are lots of laughter and happy tears. Does this ring a bell? Sadness by default and disposition brings nothing but illnesses, anxieties, irrationality and low self esteem. It clouds your judgement about life and you unfairly lose your right to feel deserving of happiness and good things. If you are a person of faith, then consequently, we lose our ability to have a good opinion of God too, (حٌسن الظّن بِالله) and faith that He will give us good. Because we only are able to process trouble and trials, this is important. It isn’t that we have no blessings left. It is that we cannot process them with an emotional and mental conditioning which does not allow us to and so many of us wrongly start to believe God is punishing us which then leads to feeling unsupported on a spiritual realm. When we become conditioned to such a place, we almost also become so very much self involved and at worst, we lose our ability to see and expect good. And I think that’s the worst place to be. To have friends, family, opportunities, food, money and many other blessings around you, and to see through all these things and feel nothing has to be close to hell. Because you have lost the ability to live outside of your own mind, in the REAL world, where usually, things are somewhat okay. Of course- there is absolutely no judgement here. It’s what the brain does. Its function is to alert you of trouble and your fight or flight response is pressed on so that you may take an action to your safety. And if you have been through something traumatic, due to the intensity this experience exposed you to, emotionally speaking, the mind can keep on altering you of “bad” things that are supposedly about to happen, or memories of the past. (Even on a subconscious level). And so if you repeat sad thoughts and emotions, then sadness, quite literally, becomes you. So, the issue is when your fight or flight response doesn’t turn off and we stop responding to stress normally. If we are perpetually sad, the fight or flight response stays on and if you stay sad long enough, you become conditioned to a place of stress, worries, a depressive state and a victim mentality that will seek out more bad things because your body which wants to stay in sadness now will quite literally inspire it. This is why most times you may not be able to perceive of yourself as deserving or worthy of good things. Or when something good happens and you have a momentary response of thankfulness, you cannot sustain the grateful state because your body reverts back to a place of upset. Luckily and contrary to popular belief, no matter how severe you think your case is, if you’re able to understand and read what I’m writing, your situation is reversible.
You CAN rewire, reprogramme and recondition. You can build your self esteem again and train your brain to to respond to events appropriate to the contents. You can learn to be in control of your thoughts again and to have a more positive outlook on life is achievable. I teach all of this in my programme, and when you learn that most of your thoughts aren’t even you anyway but regurgitated thoughts your body asks your brain to surface so that your body can stay in its conditioned place, I have found most women are inspired to learn who they really are, independent of these thoughts they wrongly assumed were coming from their own perceptions and discernment.
Having said everything above, I did mention in the beginning of this article that there is space to validate your experience. Sometimes, we feel sad. Something happens, somebody says something against us, somebody does something against us, and it hurts. It’s completely okay to accept that you’re sad in that moment. If you try to resist an emotion, it will only persist. Whatever your body surfaces, you should let it out, or let it through and process it. If you don’t release a heavy emotion then your body will store that as bad energy which could turn into pain or even illnesses. So you should most definitely honour your sadness. This is absolutely fine. But it’s also very necessary that you understand the dichotomy between being sad and staying sad. It’s a personal responsibility that you understand when sadness is coming from a genuine response to an event which needs to be released, versus when sadness is coming from a position of unhealthy emotional conditioning. For example, it’s important we understand that it is not normal to stay sad for so long after an event has passed, or that we frequently find ourselves sad all the time. One sign your sadness is coming from a place of conditioning is if you find yourself feeling sad too often or too often with high levels of intensity. This in actuality does not mean you’re honouring your sadness at all, because there is nothing honourable about being sad to your own detriment or being sad to inspire the apparent or subtle self destructive habits. These things come from a place of self loathing oneself subconsciously…
If this sounds like you, I would advise you practice the following. Here are some tangible things you can start to do TODAY in preparation for the new year.
- WRITE the affirmation: “I am deserving of happiness. I claim my right to be happy now. Happiness feels good to me. I am happy right now”. Repeat this until you feel it click into your belief system every morning as soon as you wake up and just when you’re about to fall asleep. These are the times your subconscious mind is most accessible. For extra benefit, repeat it throughout your day when you are able to.
- Keeping a gratitude journal every day for 30 days. Write three things every day you’re grateful about and why. Read your list and inspire the feeling of gratitude in you and try to familiarise yourself with this emotion so that you can embody it throughout the day. This part is so important for the reprogramming process. When you change your emotion, your thoughts submit accordingly. Try this experiment quickly right now. Take out three minutes of your time to close your eyes and feel and embody gratitude to the best of your ability and when you feel you’re finally there, try to think of something negative. If you do this properly you’ll find it just fades away.
- Stay away from any emotional triggers.
- Undermine every negative thought that comes to mind effortlessly. Simply shun it immediately by replacing it with a positive thought or distracting yourself. But this has to be done effortlessly. When you place too much effort, you place too much energy and the mind will process this as something that needs your attention. And so it becomes counter productive.
- Repeat the above for 30 days.
- Book mentoring with me so we can go deeper into the work and so that you can have a plan tailored specifically to you, where you will work on what YOU want and learn how to become the best version of yourself as a woman so that you can enhance the quality of your life. We should always be upgrading ourselves.
- Share this article with 3 people so you have a small circle of friends or loved ones who you can hold you accountable in your transformational work and vice versa.
Professional Female 